Zimmer: The One Man Band
I met the guy I call Zimmer on Match.com circa 2009. He was bald and round, much like that guy from the show Bizarre Foods, Andrew Zimmern. You know that guy who will eat all sorts of weird shit like balls, brains, bugs, etc. Now, I do like a guy with a little meat on him and after a few dates Zimmer and I sealed the deal back at his apartment. It was the first time we slept together and wouldn’t be the last. Zimmer was a really nice guy and treated me with respect. Unlike most of the creeps I was used to dating, Zimmer seemed like a great catch!
We dated for a couple of months and I started sleeping over his place—awesome, right? He had a great music collection but I quickly realized that Zimmer was his own one-man band! What do I mean? Well, whenever the lights went down and we went to bed Zimmer would release a constant stream of flatulence! I was kept awake most of the night praying the tooting would stop, but it didn’t. I know we are human and it’s natural to pass gas, but what was passing through him was something otherworldly. Maybe it was from all the food he ate? One morning I contemplated slipping some Gas-X into his morning coffee but then I looked over and realized he was also really, really hairy. I had a flashback of my Turkish ex-husband, Burak, and I just couldn’t be with another very hairy man again. Especially one that has a built-in trombone. I need my beauty sleep and I wasn’t going to get it dating Zimmer.
I told him that I really enjoyed our time together (it was the truth) but felt the chemistry between us just wasn’t there. We called it quits. It was a peaceful ending and I was finally able to get back my eight hours of sleep.