My Pandemic Dating Diary, Continued…

Month Five+, August 2020:

The unfamiliar—but welcome—sound of a dozen cars honking their horns while idling in the “rush hour” traffic line to get into the Lincoln Tunnel marked a realization for me that things are starting to get back to normal in NYC. It is the sound of life itself, that of the blood starting to slowly pump back into NYC’s veins, and it is a beautiful sound. I, like many of my fellow New Yorkers, need a sense of normalcy more than anything right now.

I’ve been to hell and back the past three months. I lost my sister to a drug overdose in the height of the pandemic and coupled with the stress of physically going into the office every day, I’ve tried to mask feelings that were too heavy to manage by going on multiple first dates. Though I filled my time with dating and vodka without outwardly falling apart, the heartbreak of losing my sister, the stress of balancing my career through grief and a pandemic, and just 2020 life in general, meant I wasn’t taking care of my soul and truly allowing myself to feel all of the feels of what was happening in my life.

So I went on a brief dating hiatus that lasted a WHOLE two weeks. I thought I would use the time off to reflect, meditate, and all of that holistic, feel-good stuff, and what I learned is that my attention span to sit still and clear my head lasted as long as the relationships on 90-Day Fiancé. I swear, I really did try, but being my typical, hopeful romantic self, I felt I needed to get right back on that horse again. I needed something or someone to look forward to. Pandemic dating provides a means for getting out of my comfort zone, literally and figuratively, during these trying times. Plus, you really never know when or how you will meet someone, so I feel it’s important to keep putting myself out there no matter what.

The current Pandemic Dating Protocol goes like this: We meet first via Zoom or FaceTime. If the date goes well, I’ll ask the person on the other side of screen if they’ve had a COVID-19 test (I’m up to twelve tests myself—it comes with my job!), have they had the antibody test, have they been in large groups of people lately, etc. I’ll ask all of the responsible questions so we do the right thing during these crazy-ass, unprecedented times. When we get through the COVID-19 checklist, we’ll agree to meet at a “mutually social-distanced spot.”

Back in March, when NYC was first locked down, virtual dating was a novelty. It took a month to really get the hang of it, and then it became exciting and no longer awkward to go on Zoom and FaceTime dates. However, as month three of the pandemic rolled into month four, and then month five, and now we’re almost in month six, virtual dating, at least for me, has started to lose its novelty and excitement. People, including me, miss the face-to-face interaction that traditional dating provides.

Plus, virtual dating has its own ups and downs. In my article four months ago, I pointed out the ups of virtual dating, including:

• Less pressure.
• My dates and I can really be ourselves from the comfort and safety of our own living rooms.
• At the time, we all felt, “we’re all in this isolation thing together,” and right there is a shared common thread from the start, so conversation opening questions always included some version of:
  • “How are you holding up during lockdown?”
  • “How are you holding up during isolation?”
  • “How are you holding up during quarantine?”

I’m so sick of these questions now! If I’m asked one more time how I’m holding up I think I’m going to go crazy.

Dating nearly six months in feels more like pre-pandemic dating. Fewer and fewer prospects want to go on more than one virtual date. I believe this is because people are missing their old lives and craving a sense of normalcy—and also, they’re horny! Six months in lockdown can be a very long dry spell for some. More and more prospects just get straight the point and ask to meet for a drink without even a phone call. Sorry buddy but that’s not happening over here! Safety first. I’m going to melt in the hot NYC summer sun if I have one more sidewalk dinner.

In the beginning, pandemic dating had a certain charm: It was more personal, with quality time and meaningful conversations built through our tiny screens. It is totally different today. This is because, as I’ve said in the past, people want to see what someone else can bring to the table. More people are comfortable meeting in real life now, and they jump around between multiple prospects, forgetting they had a nice time with prospect A, and moving on to prospect B and/or C. It’s a dizzying cycle.

I was hopeful for a short period of time that the pandemic would change dating for the better—that people would genuinely want to build meaningful connections and not jump around from person to person—but now that the city is starting to open up again, many of us are reverting back to our old, selfish selves instead.

At least this has been the case in my personal experience and what I’ve observed in others close to me in the past couple of months. Like in pre-pandemic dating times, I’ve exchanged conversations with multiple prospects who fizzle out or even ghost. I call it virtually ghosting! It is a real thing. I’ve been virtually ghosted by a few guys, and the ghosting only started when the outdoor bar/restaurant seating opened up.

For example, after numerous text conversations, maybe a quick chat on the phone that led to scheduling a FaceTime date, when I tried to confirm our v-date the day before, poof! The prospect disappeared, never to be heard from again. Another example is when I had a kickass virtual date with a prospect that lasted for hours. I agreed to meet him for an IRL date in a park the following weekend, only to be texted some BS excuse about how he had to spend the day with his friend and his friend’s son, but he would love to get together the following weekend. AND poof! He ghosted me too.

As for Greenpoint Tom (remember him from my last column?), he did finally receive the handmade mask I braved the post office twice to mail him because the first time it was sent back to me for not enough postage. We met for a socially distanced date in a park, spent the entire day together, made promises of seeing one another again, sent each other lots of texts about how much fun we had, etc. and then poof! He ghosted me too. Some things will never change. But the past several months have truly taught me (and I know we say this all the time) LIFE is too FUCKING short!

I’ve always known this, but I realize how precious life is even more than ever now. There are way more important things in life to allow yourself to get worked up over than dreams of what might not have been in the first place. I have ALWAYS been a dreamer and can oftentimes get lost in my feelings when I like someone hard. I blame it on my childhood abandonment issues (thank goodness I have a great therapist!).

If you drive yourself mad by self-doubt and dissecting every single text message, always trying to figure out what happened and replaying that first and only date over and over in your mind again, you’ll miss out on the most important things right in front of your eyeballs: your health, your true friends, the roof over your head, and, most importantly in my case, your fur babies. And you’ll also miss the next prospect, who may end up being a great person. So sometimes when things fizzle out for unexplained reasons, it could be a blessing in disguise. No more time or energy wasted, and an opportunity to meet someone else who may enrich your life.

Life is about being present. Like listening to the sound of those honking car horns and appreciating how blessed I am to even be able write about my experiences and share them with you.

So, where do I go from here?

I’ve learned a lot from my years on the singles scene. Basically, dating is a numbers game. The more men you meet, the greater your chances of meeting the right one. However, I’ve also learned that there is no such thing as the perfect guy. Love doesn’t always come easily, and even if it seems like it does with all of the hormones jumping around your body, shit happens that’s totally out of your control.

All I can do is just be myself and keep on keepin’ on with an open mind and an open heart. Whatever is going on in my love life (or lack thereof), life is good. I’ll remain optimistic and positive whether I’m flying solo or have a beau.

I hope that one day I will finally meet my partner in crime. I think I’ll know I’ve met a keeper when I don’t have to examine the relationship like Inspector Gadget. Until then, I won’t settle (and neither should you) just to have a snuggle buddy on Sunday nights. If I’m forty and still flying solo, maybe I’ll freeze my eggs or something.

Of course, there’s always my dog. He doesn’t talk back and he’s always happy to see me regardless of my outfit. Also, my dog doesn’t bring condoms to dinner or care how my morning breath smells.

My final words: Remember to take a step back and take care of YOU, to always trust your instincts, and to be prepared for big bumps in the road. You can’t love someone if you aren’t whole yourself.