I Was Dumped: The Stages of Heartache When You’re the Dumpee

The Backstory

It all started with a like of his picture on a popular dating app. He then liked my pic back. And just like that, we were unlocked to the next level in the dating app matchmaking game and allowed to send direct messages to each other.

Ironically, I was scheduled to have a dinner date with someone else that magical night we decided to meet. But as fate would have it, I received a text from my date that he had had a death in the family and had to fly out.

After work, I took myself to The Palm restaurant over on 50^th Street to treat myself to a dirty martini with blue cheese-stuffed olives and try to figure out a plan B for the evening.

I had worn one of my best work skirts that day (a great find on The RealReal!) and wanted to put it to good use. So I texted plan B. I asked if he wanted to meet up before next week as originally planned. As luck would have it, he was free that night and would meet me at a local Asian restaurant where I was just finishing up tapas with my girl Cera. Great, she could get a good look at my date and give me some feedback.

He called and said he was in front of the restaurant. I got a little bit of the first date jitters, I must admit. He was at the place a few doors down, so I walked out on the street and greeted him. He was much better looking in person and his smile was just delicious. Plan B seemed to be turning into a plan A+ very quickly.

After a drink at the restaurant, Cera went her way and I took him to Back Pocket Bar. He was just a couple of months fresh to the hood so I thought I would give him a little tour. He complimented me on my skirt (yassss!) and we talked for what felt like hours. He then walked me home and gave me a good night kiss.

I was smitten I think from the start. This time was different. I could tell. I swear.

We totally hit it off that first date so much so that I invited him to my friend’s Easter brunch two days later. He was funny, social, and lit up the rooftop. He could definitely hang with my friends and be attentive to me at the same time. This guy is a keeper! I thought.

That following weekend he cooked me dinner! What?! The last guy who cooked me dinner was my ex-husband and that was fifteen years ago! He even got me to eat fish and I never eat fish.

He asked to hangout the next day, and then the next. I didn’t want him to get sick of me! But he insisted that we’re adults and not in our twenties anymore. He asked if I would have dinner with him on his birthday; I felt flattered. He told me that he admired how real I am and looked up to my strength and courage in life considering all the BS I’ve been through. He was curious about me and truly wanted to get to know me.

I knew in the back of my mind I shouldn’t have fallen so hard and fast when he said he was divorced just a year, new in his apartment for a couple of months, and had a demanding job that left him on the road from Monday to Thursday . . . but boy, oh boy, did he have me fooled 100 %.

I loved getting coffee with him in the morning and holding his dog outside while he went and got us coffee. I loved cuddling in the AM and how he would go to the local supermarket and buy ingredients to make us breakfast. I loved wearing his sweatpants and feeling his embrace on Sunday mornings. He cooked me dinner. We went running together along the Hudson. We had Star Wars nights. We ran around and explored the city. We picked ticks off each other after our first weekend away out in Montauk (romantic, right?), and he even got me a toothbrush to keep at his place. I loved the way he made me feel appreciated, wanted, needed, and accepted me for me. He made me feel like a queen. I had never had a guy make me feel so special before.. This is what I had been waiting for in the eleven years since my divorce: a partner in crime! He’s the first guy who made me think I want a family. What?! Even my girlfriends were shocked when I told them this.

Of course, everything is great in the beginning with the endorphins jumping around, the newness, and the excitement of running around the best city in the world with the partner in crime you’ve been wishing and hoping you’d find for over a decade.

The first few months were simply awesome! But then his communication started to dwindle. Around the three- or four-month mark, the text messages started to sound generic. As if he felt forced to send me a “Hi, hope you’re having a good day” text instead of his former “Hi, thinking of you and miss you” messages. Everyone can text a simple “I’m thinking of you,” even if it’s from the bathroom. You know you bring your phone to the bathroom with you, so it’s not gross. Just make sure to wash your hands.

Sunday Evening

We had just spent over an hour in an Uber coming back into Manhattan from spending a beautiful Sunday in Brooklyn. However, things felt off the entire day. For example, he held his cell phone in the hand that was closest to mine when walking together, as if he were trying to avoid making physical contact with me. No little kisses or spooning or even touching on the sheet we had brought with us to Brooklyn Bridge Park. I chalked it up to my cat shedding all over the sheet. He is allergic to cats, so why would he want to roll around on it?

I finally said, “Just let it out.”

He said, “Finish walking Val first and we’ll talk.” (Valentino or Val for short is my fur baby for the last seven years.)

Then I knew it was coming. But why? My head started to spin. I felt like I was going to throw up the awesome dinner we shared in Greenpoint earlier all over the damn sidewalk.

You know that feeling when you know something is off? That gut, almost-sick tingling in the pit of your stomach that something just isn’t right. You try to convince yourself that you’re overreacting and it’s probably nothing, but when you dig deeper you know that your relationship has run its course.

And here it is: He said something along the lines of not feeling a bond with me and that he should feel excited about coming home after a long week away for work. (All of a sudden he didn’t feel a bond?!) He did some soul searching, yadda, yadda, yadda, and it just wasn’t going to work out with us.

And that was it.

I have to admit, in retrospect I am happy he cut me free and we didn’t hit the year mark. It was an adult breakup but it still SUCKED. We walked back to my place, I gave him his belongings back, we hugged, and poof! He was gone.

What I’ve learned over my years of dating, which can be difficult to accept, is that guys will say what’s on their minds in the moment without thinking of the repercussions it might have later in the relationship.  We question why else would they say it if they didn’t mean it? But then they realize later they don’t actually feel that way. Often times, women feel like they were led on or lied to when they are dumped out of the blue. We kick our selves trying to figure out what went wrong and it becomes dizzying trying to sort it all out. Sometimes It’s best not to try and figure out what went wrong and move on.  Men and women’s brains are simply wired differently.

I flashback to our fourth date: We lay in his bed and he jokingly and maybe not so jokingly said, “I know this is a little too soon to say this, but I think I love you.”

My heart felt like it stopped. In that moment I thought, No way. He must be crazy. I don’t want to get hurt again but what if he really means it? He did say at our age there’s no time to fuck around. What if true love at first sight (or second or third sight) actually does exist? Do I just go with it or keep my guard up until we have at least made it official?

Always the hopeful romantic, I started to let my guard down piece by piece after that night. And how convenient he lives four blocks away and has a dog! THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! The endorphins kicked in and my stomach and head were tingling with all of the good feels.

Or perhaps I should have taken it is an orange flag. Orange because it wasn’t a red flag. He seemed sincere in his actions and words at the time. He even dropped hints that perhaps I could watch his dog when he traveled for work. We had just met. Who would trust almost a complete stranger with their fur baby so soon?

And then my guard completely dropped. I let him into my life. Because once dogs are involved, it’s done. I’ve experienced so much loss in my life, so when I love, I love hard. I moved a dozen times as a kid with a drug-addicted mother and never had any sense of normalcy as I was growing up. It always seemed as if the carpet was going to be pulled out from under my feet at any moment. I was craving to be accepted, wanted, and loved; experiences I never had growing up.  Now that I’m older (with a lot of therapy under my belt) I am ready to receive and give love. I have overcome the adversity and built a career, life and home, and feel ready to share them with the right person. I thought it could have been him. I was wrong.

The Numb Phase

Almost like an outer body experience. You know you were dumped but force yourself numb so as to not feel the pain. It’s a defensive mechanism and your brain goes foggy. You’re putting up barriers from being hurt (again) by going numb.  You can’t accept this yet.  

Flashback: I asked him a couple of times if he were ready for a relationship, having been freshly divorced for only a year. He responded yes, even adding in that if I saw a future with him, then not to worry about anything.

Grieving

It felt like someone died. One minute he’s there and you’re enjoying a beautiful Sunday in the park together and the next minute poof! He’s gone. Vanished into thin air never to be seen or heard from again. In many ways a breakup is a lot like someone dying. They just suddenly completely exit your life.

The Texting Every One of Your Best Girlfriends Phase

“SOS I got dumped.”

“It’s his loss.”

“You’re beautiful and successful and will find someone.”

“He didn’t deserve you.”

“It just wasn’t the right time.”

“You’re strong and will get over it.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it, and I know, but in the moment it stings like a motherfucker and you pray and hope that this feeling won’t last forever. You feel absolutely gutted, as my English friend would say.

The sympathy texts go on and on . . . . I appreciate them. I REALLY do. But it’s still a bitter pill to swallow, knowing you were the one dumped and your heart feels like it’s been shredded into itty-bitty pieces and thrown into the Hudson river.

The Taco Phase

The day after the dumping, I ate six food items from Taco Bell in one sitting and enjoyed every damn second of it. I am not one of those girls who can’t eat when depressed. Pass me the carbs, please! I should actually be a spokesperson for Taco Bell. A guilty pleasure introduced to me at the vulnerable age of eight when I lived out in Suffolk County and my family had no money, it’s now a treat that I use in my adult years to help numb the pain of a bad hangover, or in this case a broken heart.

I tried every single hot sauce packet in Taco Bell’s repertoire that night and created drunken sentences out of the sayings on the packets. For those of you who don’t know, the sauce packets have cute, humorous sayings on them. I know way too much about Taco Bell! Here are a few of my one-liners:

CURRENT MOOD (­SAD)

I CAN’T LET YOU GO.

PLAY IT COOL ­

The Wine Phase

The following Saturday, I drank. A lot. A lot of wine and a lot of Ketel and soda all in one weekend. A bottle of wine is really like 2.5 large glasses and down the hatch it went very easily. I holed myself up in my studio apartment with Valentino and watched every spinoff of 90 Day Fiancé and cheesy Lifetime movies, which I may add helps one to feel better about themself because there’s always someone out there who has it even worse than you.

The Keep Yourself Busy 24/7 Phase

(Also known as the “spend every second not alone for validation that you’re still breathing and alive and will survive having your heart stepped on” phase.)

Fuck. I devoted almost every single Saturday night of the past five months to this guy. Patiently yet eagerly, I would wait for the weekend to roll around, already having selected my cute outfit I would wear when I saw him. I can’t remember the last time I put in that much effort! I was definitely struck hard by cupid’s poisonous arrow.

This was the weekend we were supposed to get out of the city together and everything was already booked. Through teary eyes I cancelled the Airbnb we chose TOGETHER (I even found a dog-friendly place so he could spend QT with his dog as he was only in town just a few days week) and sent him the cancellation fee. Seconds later I received a Venmo payment for the fees. Thanks. I guess. Sigh . . .

I had a long weekend off from work due to this planned mini-getaway and I needed to keep myself busy. I caught up with friends for three days straight and booked myself a spa day at SoJo Spa over in Edgewater, NJ. I spent seven hours at that spa trying to detoxify myself of sad and ill feelings.

That Sunday I went back to the gym. I told my personal trainer I was dumped. He said it could be worse. He was dumped recently, too, but over a text message. I guess I could have it worse after all.

The fourth weekend, I finally caved. I sent him a text. FML. I wrote that I missed him and this really sucks. He did me a favor by not responding back. It had been almost a month since the breakup.

The Acceptance Phase

Here I am in LaGuardia airport waiting to board my plane to Fort Lauderdale. When I’m heartbroken, my best friend, Maria, whom I’ve known since I was fifteen years old, is always there to help me pick up pieces. Maria has been there for me for through my crazy family issues, the passing of my dad and all of my breakups.  She is my rock. I’m taking a few more weeks off from dating and concentrating instead on spending QT with friends and my dog. I’m also using this time to dig deep within myself to figure out what I really want from my next relationship and out of life in general—oh, and also planning my next vacation. I recommend that everyone travel solo at least once in their life. It gets you out of your comfort zone and forces you to reflect.

I recently read that the secret to a good life is to pay attention to the beginnings rather than the endings. I am going to try and follow this.

I started writing this article almost three months ago during the weekend I locked myself in my apartment drunk. The following paragraph is how I felt at that moment:

I miss him so much. As I write this, this is the first Saturday alone in almost five months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It sucks he lives four fucking blocks away. I deserve love in my life. Why is it so hard to find? I can’t force someone to like me, but shit, guys tend to say what’s on their mind in the moment and don’t think about the consequences it can have later on. My heart is broken. He had me fooled.

Time does have a way of making things easier. This is me today!  Like a kid playing a game on an old school Nintendo, I hit the reset button to unfreeze myself from the pain of a break up so I can start over again.

I am 90% whole and slowly dipping my toe back into the dating pool without neglecting time to for myself where I can just sit and be alone. A few takeaways from this last relationship:

1. Don’t trust an Android person. It never works out (at least for me).  For some reason matching blue texts vs. green feels and looks better.
2. Your time is valuable
3. We are all deserving of love and to be loved.
4. If something in your gut feels off, it usually means it is. Trust your gut, it won’t steer you wrong.
5. You’re never too busy to let someone know you’re thinking about them. Everyone can text, even if it’s on the toilet.
6. “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” – Semisonic
7. Chivalry isn’t dead. He taught me that there are good guys out there. I don’t hate him and I’m not mad. I now thank him for letting me go. It just wasn’t the right time, or we weren’t meant to be together. Whatever it was, I can’t keep trying to figure out why it ended. I need to move on and close this chapter. What I took away from this last relationship is that I can let love into my life, and now I know how it’s supposed to feel and how I deserve to be treated, even if it was short-lived.
8. I am capable of receiving and giving love, and if you’re reading this, so are you. We all are, and we all love in different ways. Just accept that you DO need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to receiving it. It’s scary to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but it’s okay! In fact, it’s courageous to open up and let yourself feel the feels! If you don’t let your guard down from time to time, you could miss out on something really amazing, and when the time is right it just might be your partner in life. If not, then you will only learn and grow even more as the beautiful human being you already are.