The Family Man

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I had no plans. I had just flown home the day before from my friend’s gorgeous Jamaican destination wedding and I wanted to get out and show off my Caribbean tan! Just as I was giving up hope that my Sunday afternoon would be filled with sitting around watching Lifetime movies about naughty schoolteachers and cougars hooking up with the landscapers, I received a message on (sometimes not) OkCupid.

I caught the bouquet at the wedding. My always hopeful, romantic-self took the OKC message as a sign that this was going to be my year to meet someone!

(Victory was mine! My first time EVER catching or more like wrestling for the bouquet.)

(Champion!)

(Now back to the story.)

I logged on and read the message. It was an invitation to grab a drink, maybe a bite to eat, that very same day. I certainly didn’t have any plans and his profile seemed decent enough for me to accept his invitation for an impromptu Sunday date. Why not live in the moment a little, right? My newly-married friend met her husband on Tinder. If she could meet the man of her dreams on Tinder, there might be hope for me on OKC.

I asked for my date to give me a quick ring on the phone and he sounded cool. He even gallantly came down from his hood on the UES to Hell’s Kitchen to meet me at a local wine bar.

TFM (stay tuned, you’ll learn how he earned his nickname later) was a bit older than me, forty-four to my thirty-four years old. Dating guys in their thirties hasn’t been working out so I figured I would test the waters and trade up a decade. TFM was also a government worker, which added to my sense of curiosity as to how he broke the norm of not living in the burbs with a wife and kids by now. A guy in uniform is a turn on; a guy in uniform who lives in Manhattan, is not married, and has no kids is an even bigger turn on!

TFM was already half a glass of vino in when I arrived. Then he decided to shoot the last half like it was a shot of tequila when I sat down. A little weird, I thought, to be drinking wine like it’s a shot, but I let it slide.

I shook TFM’s hand and it was sweaty! I started to feel bad for him. He was clearly very nervous. It was a bit charming until he started to talk—talk about all of the drugs he did prior to taking a government job. In fact, TFM admitted that he had tried every type of drug except heroin in his younger years, obviously before taking an oath to serve our great country. He said he was looking forward to retiring in five years so he can receive his pension and then travel to a far-away island where can start to recreationally use drugs again. His drug of choice: ‘shrooms. TFM suggested I give them a try one day. Three words popped into my head listening to everything spew out his mouth: too much information! TFM then chugged an entire glass of wine. Seriously. I am not making this story up. TFM admitted that he was very nervous and kept commenting on how nice I looked. I told him to chill out but then his left eye started twitching. I didn’t notice the tic until he pointed it out and then I couldn’t stop staring at his eyeball!

TFM said he was not winking at me every thirty seconds. He had a tic in his eye that is triggered when he is nervous. I appreciated his humbleness and honesty. I was still on my first glass of wine when he ordered a third for himself. I knew I had to somehow figure out a way to end this date. It was one of the longest forty-five minutes of my life!

It was hard for me to believe that TFM was a government worker but I confirmed his status via my best friend Rebecca’s husband, Liam who is in the same line of work. In fact, ironically, they live across the street from each other! Small world! Liam said TFM was a nice guy but a little on the “kooky” side.

Once TFM said I would “enjoy speaking with [his] mother” (on a first date!) and that he “could picture making babies with [me],” I knew I had to hightail it out of there. A suggestion for a parental introduction and procreating on a first date was the straw that broke the camel’s back to officially end this date! His nickname was born: The Family Man or TFM for short. And it gets better! TFM said he had a second bedroom already set up for when he does have a baby and that we would make beautiful kids together. Perhaps I should have let the other women catch the bouquet at the wedding.

I tried to telepathically communicate to the server that I needed an out—that this date had gone down the tubes after the first ten minutes—but I guess I’m just not very good at communicating “damsel in distress.” The waiter kept bringing TFM more wine and I thought the date would never come to an end.

Finally, I said it was time to call it a night as I had to finish unpacking from my vacation. “Phewwwwww!” I felt as we settled the bill. The End, right? Wrong! TFM started walking with me—south. He lives uptown; he should have been going north! He was like a leech on my back. I made it to my front door, TFM in tow, and we finally said our goodbyes—again. TFM apologized for acting so weird and said he wanted to take me out again. I nodded, thanked him for the wine, went upstairs, and dead-bolted my door.

I wasn’t even halfway up my fourth-floor walkup when TFM sent me a text message begging for a “second chance.” He must have sensed I wasn’t into him. I wonder what gave him that idea. He came off as desperate and the whole “you’ll enjoy speaking with my mother” comment along with wanting to make babies with me, his obsession with wanting to do drugs again, and suggestion that I try them too were complete turnoffs for me.

I was six days in after having caught the bouquet at my friend’s wedding so there will be more dates in my future! I believe there is someone out there for everyone. I hope that this is my year to find my partner in crime and I hope TFM finds his future baby’s mother.