The Construction Worker Alec Baldwin Look-Alike: ABL

I recently had a (not okay) OkCupid date with a real charmer. I agreed to meet ABL at a local Hell’s Kitchen sports bar. I guess I was getting lazy and broke my own online dating rule by not asking my potential suitor to give me a quick call on the phone prior to meeting (see Chapter 13 “Assessing the Prospects” in my book, Nicknames). Bonus points if a guy calls without you asking!

In the days leading up to our date, ABL’s text messages didn’t heed any red flags and his pictures were decent; in fact, he sort of resembled a young Alec Baldwin, which is how he got his nickname. I was walking a mere four blocks away from my apartment so I knew I could bail and easily go home if things started to get wacky.

ABL was working at a construction site just down the block from the bar. Convenient for the both of us! He was seated all the way in the back of the bar. There were like a hundred seats up front and it was a beautiful night. Why would he choose such an awkward seating location? Was he hiding from someone?

The answer is YES! When I arrived ABL said he didn’t want his boss to see him at the bar because he was technically on the clock. Oh, and get this: ABL’s title was “Safety Manager” for the construction site he was working on. I wondered who the hell was supervising the site if he’s in the bar eating a Caesar salad and drinking a beer? Weird.

I ordered my usual martini with olives. Perhaps due to the martini high making my head all fuzzy I became thoroughly entertained by all of the shit streaming out of ABL’s mouth. But then I began berating myself (in my head of course) that I should not have broken my phone call rule!

Dear reader, I repeat: please, please, please, don’t go on an online date without a quick phone chat. There are many reasons why I made the phone call rule. I can’t tell you how many prospective serial killers and weirdoes I’m sure I met by not doing my due diligence on the phone first and this “date” with ABL fell under the crazies category in my plethora of horrific online dates.

There’s a reason why I made the phone call rule. You can learn a lot with a quick call such as:

1: Whether he speaks English

2: Whether conversation will flow during your date and you’re not just playing a game of stare to see who will blink first

3: Whether you actually want to continue the conversation in the flesh

4: Sense any hint of crazy, pervert, or serial killer in his voice

Now back to the story: I just could NOT believe what this guy was revealing to me on a first date! Although it’s probably best he did spill all of his beans that first date so I knew not to waste my time on a second.

I had a sneaky suspicion that ABL was recently released from prison, probably for a DWI, judging from the fact that he lived in Newark, NJ, and did not own a car. ABL also felt the need to vomit all of his dirty laundry to the first unassuming woman he met—me.

Who the hell tells someone on a first date that they:

1: Have been fired from four different jobs

2: Engaged three times

3: Created a phony Facebook profile under a hot classical musician’s name to assume a different identity so he could mess with his Hungarian ex-girlfriend who lives in Hungary!

4: Drove his car into a subway station and ran from the police because that’s what you do. According to ABL, you always run from the cops!

5: Oh and he goes to mass every Sunday at 7:30 am because he is a good Irish Catholic boy!

I’m surprised his church hasn’t burnt down yet!

Going back to #3 above, ABL told me how he moved to Hungary to live with his beautiful girlfriend and was thrown out like three days later for punching a hole in her wall and threatening her male friend. All of ABL’s belongings were left on the streets of Budapest and he returned back to the states. This was the fifth red flag alert in under an hour. Again why the fuck was he telling me all of this?!

This was ABL talking:

I know you’re wondering why I stayed and didn’t run away. I just had to order a second martini because I couldn’t believe the shit that was coming out of his mouth! It kept getting better and better! I wish I had recorded him because I don’t think anyone will believe our conversation.

Finally, it was time for me to end the date and make my escape. ABL texted me FIVE minutes after we parted ways and apologized for his behavior. He said that who I met was not the real him. He was just very tired and said I was beautiful. Well, thank you, I am, but I’m just not into you. ABL even sent a follow up text message two months later. I give him credit for having the balls to think I might actually have been interested.

The end.